how long has it been since i wrote in here?

how long has it been since i last hung out with my closest, dearest friends?

sure, the obvious lies will be the usual "i'm so busy with work", or the "i've got other commitments, family, yada, yada..." but deep down i know that those are not the real reasons.

i miss my friends. i really miss them. 

but there is not much i can do about it. there is a very big secret i'm keeping from them, and getting close to them again would be tantamount to letting the cat our of the bag. and that, i cannot afford to do, lest i should lose them forever, which i cannot bear to happen over too short a period, and risk my own reputation as a so-called 'respectable member of society'. <--(by the way, given the freedom of choice, i'd say to fuck with this!)

unfortunately, losing that little 'title' may force me to change my career direction to something less- how shall we say it?- lucrative. not that i'm all that hard up for these pieces of paper that everyone else in KL seem to be chasing after at the expense of, literally, their lives. but to survive here you need considerable sums of it. sucks, but that's the awful truth.

The irony is that, by continuing to do what i do now- distancing myself from my friends, losing them is a self-fulfilling prophecy. albeit in a less dramatic way.

i hate this. i really hate this.

• The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has almost doubled in the last 30 years.
• Malaria has spread to higher altitudes in places like the Colombian Andes, 7,000 feet above sea level.
• The flow of ice from glaciers in Greenland has more than doubled over the past decade.
• At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles.

As I understand that everyone is busy with deadlines and time is a precious commodity, Your attention on the matter is much appreciated. Enclosed is a little information on the Earth Hour project:

Earth Hour

it rains a lot lately... i love the rain, especially those equatorial downpours that can get you soaking wet in just 30 seconds. i can't remember the last time i was out in a rain like that without caring about getting wet. lately though, i'm just stuck in my cubicle while it pours. like i am at this precise moment- i can hear the rumble of thunder right outside the building.

i long for those days to come back. when i have the time to actually let thoughts intrude and play around in my head. when my imagination was not curtailed by the confines of paper-strewn, coffee stained furniture. Nothing here inspires me. Maybe they once did, but certainly not anymore..  

maybe i'm just not the kind of guy who could work in a 9 to 5'er. especially one that stretches waaaaaaay more than 5. the only thing that keeps me at it right now is the fact that i have responsibilities as a paid employee, and i try to fulfill that the best that i can in my current state.

seriously, i even envy carpark attendants lately- the fact that they just have to:1. count cars, 2. collect the 4 or 5 bucks in the morning, and 3. stand around and make some incomprehensible and unhelpful signs for those ladies in little Kancils and Kelisas who need help parking their cars. come to think of it, i envy the carpark owners more! lol... they just come around in the evenings and count the day's collection! haha.... nevermind, that's not the life i'd like to lead anyway. 

moral of the story guys and gals? always fight for what you want to be and what you want to do in life. no one and nothing should keep you away from that.

i love rainy days. i should go out there more...        

just when i'm beginning to feel that things are ok, my mind wanders off again in the direction it just always wanted to go to. so now im back to questioning what the hell i'm doing with my life - why is it that i'm stuck trying to light a fire with a drenched piece of wood in the middle of a tropical storm- without a windproof lighter. do you get what i'm saying?

nevermind if you don't, i'm just bitching...  *_*

so it is that i fade into the realm where i am not known as anyone else but the 'ex'. it's kinda interesting out here.. here i actually become the topic of conversations. here i get to be ridiculed. i belong to the old school of thought- my opinions are no longer valid in a world where everyone is cool. such as yours.

well, it's kinda alright out here, actually. at least i can see you're happy. maybe this is how it's supposed to be.     

Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in
Your cage the only place where they will leave you alone 'cause the weak will
Seek the weaker until they've broken them could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense left you with no defense they tore it down and i have
Felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown
Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to
Fall can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
'Cause no one will you don't know why they had to go
This far traded your worth for these scars for your only
Company don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright

-Simon, Lifehouse 

how would you like it if all your flaws, all your regrets and mistakes and all your shame is put under a microscope and then blown up onto a screen the size of a football pitch.

because that's how it feels like sometimes when i talk to you. you have a knack of making me feel so small and so dirty when all i wanted was a respite from all the madness that surrounds me.

well, here's a toast to more meaningful degradations of my soul. 

When you, when you forget your name
When old faces all look the same
Meet me in the morning when you wake up
Meet me in the morning then you'll wake up
If only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

Lovesick bitter and hardened heart
Aching waiting for night waiting for life to start
Meet me in the morning when you wake up
Meet me in the morning then you'll wake up

If only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

If only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

- Keane; from the album Hopes & Fears

i love this song.. it cheers me up somehow, without fail!

a lot of people keep themselves busy because they fear random thoughts and the possibility of opening themselves up to new ideas.

yet, the people who shaped the world are thinkers, who often embraced moments of wisdom in their idle solitude.

i have just realised that as a member of the human species, i am dysfunctional.

so, what is the best way for me to spend the remainder of my life on earth?

i'd appreciate any ideas...  cheers! ;p